1
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,219
I'm going down
to South Park

2
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,387
gonna have
myself a time.

3
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,015
Friendly faces
everywhere.

4
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,683
Humble folks
without temptation.

5
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018
Going down
to South Park

6
00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,061
gonna leave my
woes behind.

7
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,521
Ample parking
day or night.

8
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,480
People spouting
"howdy neighbor".

9
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,690
Headin' on up
to South Park

10
00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:25,484
gonna see
if I can't unwind.

11
00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,281
So come on down
to South Park

12
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,280
This is
closed circuit television

13
00:00:30,306 --> 00:00:31,984
and meet some
friends of mine.

14
00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,373
for South Park
Elementary School.

15
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,751
And now...
"Super School News".

16
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:46,130
The news made for students
by students.

17
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,299
Welcome to
Super School News.

18
00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,592
I'm Jimmy Valmer.

19
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,135
And I'm Rick Cartman.

20
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,136
The price of milk money
will go up next month

21
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,638
to forty nine cents.

22
00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:55,639
The school claims
the added money is due to

23
00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,767
the cow shortage
in South Park county.

24
00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,412
Parent-teacher conferences
will be held

25
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,145
this Wednesday night
from seven to nine.

26
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,522
So kids, get a lot of playing
in before you get grounded.

27
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,875
And now for a look
at what's on the menu

28
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,734
for school lunch today,
here's Stan Marsh.

29
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,587
Eric, it looks as though
the school will be serving

30
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,029
a chicken cutlet.

31
00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:11,965
Now that's traditionally
a white meat chicken breast,

32
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,825
if you will, that has been
breaded and then cooked.

33
00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,344
I've been told there will
also be tater tots

34
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,703
and a vegetable dish.

35
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,973
This is really shaping up
to be uh, one fantastic lunch.

36
00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,665
Eric?

37
00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,431
Hard-hitting reporting
Stan, thanks a lot.

38
00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,251
And now here with
the celebrity watch

39
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,503
is Butters Stotch.

40
00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,068
Butters, seen any
celebrities lately?

41
00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,006
No, not yet.

42
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,525
I've been standing out
in front of the school

43
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,801
for about two hours now

44
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,511
and I haven't seen
any celebrities.

45
00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:34,929
About thirty minutes ago,

46
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,306
I thought I saw
Sigourney Weaver...

47
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,558
B-b-ut, uh, turns out
it was a dead horse.

48
00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,911
Alright, Butters,
keep your eyes open.

49
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,935
Will do.

50
00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:44,188
More snow
for South P-park?

51
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:47,358
Here's Token Black
with the weather.

52
00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:48,919
Jimmy and Eric, it looks
like a massive snow storm

53
00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,023
is heading
South Park's way.

54
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,153
I asked my dad
last night,

55
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,113
and he said
he heard the snowstorm

56
00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:54,782
is expected
on Tuesday, guys.

57
00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:55,967
Kyle Broflovski
now joins us

58
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:56,992
for a look
at sports.

59
00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,220
And Kyle, the girls'
basketball team

60
00:01:58,244 --> 00:01:59,620
just can't
get it right.

61
00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,807
Another devastating loss
for the Cows last night, Eric.

62
00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,141
They were ahead in the game
until Kelly Anderson

63
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,810
started crying because
she missed her daddy

64
00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,544
who is on a business trip
in Thailand.

65
00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:08,337
Kelly was so upset
she couldn't play

66
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,797
and the Cows
had to forfeit.

67
00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,674
The Cows are on
a six and 0 slide

68
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,843
since Kelly's father left
for that business trip.

69
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,427
And that's all for
Super School News!

70
00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:21,100
Enjoy your day at
South Park E-e-el-

71
00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:22,935
Elementary.

72
00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,814
And we're... Cut!

73
00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:28,482
Alright, nice reporting
guys, nice.

74
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,900
Boy that was
a great episode!

75
00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,503
Yeah, I think that was
one of our best shows yet.

76
00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:34,405
Boys, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

77
00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,907
The school has to
cancel your show.

78
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,075
What?

79
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,869
For God's sake
why, Mr. Maryl?

80
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,538
Well the students
just aren't watching it.

81
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,874
Your rating was only
a four this whole week.

82
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,333
How many
students is that?

83
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,295
Four, four students
watch your show.

84
00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:52,506
And meanwhile, Craig's show
is getting a fifty-seven.

85
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,508
Craig's show?

86
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,873
What is that butthole
doing now?

87
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,261
Oh, it's brilliant.

88
00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,680
It's all just video
footage of animals

89
00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,849
close-up with
a wide angle lens.

90
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:05,477
Animals close-up
with a wide angle lens.

91
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,575
But that's... that's crap,
that's not even TV!

92
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,035
It's what
the students want.

93
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,745
And its cheaper
to make than your show.

94
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,872
Just one person
and a video camera.

95
00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,123
Craig is a genius.

96
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,248
Sorry, kids.

97
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:28,918
But, Mr. Maryl,

98
00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:30,687
we're trying to bring
the news to the students.

99
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:31,795
They need to know
the facts

100
00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:33,601
and our news team
delivers them, very much.

101
00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:36,050
Kids don't care about
the news, boys.

102
00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:37,259
It's boring.

103
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,844
Kids want
to see animals...

104
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:39,969
close-up...

105
00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,639
with a
wide angle lens.

106
00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,557
Please, Mr. Maryl,
the news is our life.

107
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,892
Without it
we have nothing.

108
00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,268
I'm sorry, kids.

109
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,604
You should be proud
of what you've done.

110
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,731
It's just that
it's kind of gay.

111
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,237
You're gay!

112
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:02,952
Gee wiz...

113
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,037
We sure worked hard
on that news show.

114
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,181
Apparently it doesn't
matter how hard you work.

115
00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,667
Hello boys, ready to
do some whistlin?

116
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,923
Fuck off, Whistlin' Willie,
we're not in the mood.

117
00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,884
If you want your pizza
you gotta whistle!

118
00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,222
Come on!

119
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,939
There ya' go!

120
00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,817
God, I wish we had
a Pizza Hut in South Park.

121
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,402
Hey look, Craig
just walked in.

122
00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,909
Jesus all that for
a stupid video show.

123
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,329
Oh hey guys, heard about
your news show being canceled.

124
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,081
Go play with
yourself, Craig.

125
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,208
Yeah, well, I got an overall
deal with the school.

126
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,960
They're paying me
six dollars a week

127
00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,086
to come up
with new shows.

128
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,171
Your idea took about
this much thought, Craig.

129
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,091
This much more
than you had.

130
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,934
Hey a round of root beers
for everyone, on me!

131
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,347
Kenny!

132
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,908
What the hell are you
doing with this asshole?

133
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,517
Mrph rhmhphm rm.

134
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,002
You're helping Craig
make his show?

135
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,895
I can't believe you
would betray us like that!

136
00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,522
We've always been
super cool to you!

137
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,815
Ha ha ha ha
haaaa ha.

138
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,941
We're gonna
do a news show

139
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,234
and you can't
do it with us

140
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,736
because you
are too poor

141
00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,297
and poor people
don't watch the news.

142
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,197
Nya nya nya
nya nyaaaa nya.

143
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,493
Oh whatever, Kenny!

144
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,704
Hey gang, I brought
the new episode of.

145
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:29,889
"Wide Angle
Close-up Animals"!

146
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,073
- Woo-hoo! Yayyy!
- Let's see!

147
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,250
Put it up on
the monitors!

148
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,300
Cute!

149
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,429
Super cute!

150
00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,973
God, I just
don't get it.

151
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,600
Wow... those animals
are pretty cute.

152
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,934
Token... now
come on guys!

153
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,186
We've worked
too hard

154
00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,371
to just roll over
for Craig and his

155
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,730
stupid overall deal.

156
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,249
Instead of sitting here
feeling sorry for ourselves,

157
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,274
we just need
to figure out

158
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,650
how to make
our show better!

159
00:05:58,776 --> 00:05:59,878
Yeah... maybe if we
can get higher ratings

160
00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:00,902
by the end
of the week

161
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,321
they'll let us
stay on the air!

162
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,614
Well what are we
waitin' for?

163
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,407
Come on, guys!

164
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,038
Alright, we all need to
come up with ideas

165
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,581
for our show.

166
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,583
How about
we revamp the name...

167
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,908
"Super School News"
sounds dry.

168
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,419
It should
be Sexy News.

169
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,629
Action News!

170
00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:19,856
Yeah, Sexy Action,
that's good.

171
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,548
Maybe the problem is
we don't have

172
00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:22,966
very good stories
to report on.

173
00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,510
Right... we should
make up stories

174
00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,945
because they'll be
far more interesting.

175
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,679
Hey yeah!

176
00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,240
I could say I saw celebrities
even though I didn't

177
00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,433
and then lie about
what I saw them doing!

178
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,102
Nice, Butters,
write that down!

179
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:37,481
"Lie... about... celebrities".

180
00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:38,708
We have to appeal
to all the students.

181
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,818
So we need hot girls
for the sixth graders...

182
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:41,568
and panda bears
for the preschoolers.

183
00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,486
Good.

184
00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:43,797
Maybe we need
to make students think

185
00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,446
they have to watch
our news show

186
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,656
or they'll die!

187
00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,258
Yeah, we should make up
a bunch of reports

188
00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:48,762
about how dangerous
it is to be alive!

189
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:49,868
Oh boy!

190
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:53,122
Fellas, are you sure
all of this is e-e-ethical?

191
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,123
We're in
fourth grade, Jimmy.

192
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,683
We don't even know
what ethical means!

193
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,018
Alright, Sexy Action
School News team

194
00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,168
it's time
to go to work!

195
00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,437
Get out there
and get some stories!

196
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,256
Sexy Action
School News team, ho!

197
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,386
Uh, Token, can I have
a quick word with you?

198
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,407
Look, Token... I know
the guys are having trouble

199
00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,699
bringing this
up with you, but...

200
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,268
Well the thing is, Token,

201
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,311
we really need to revamp
your whole TV persona.

202
00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,148
You see, Token,
people really enjoy

203
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,984
seeing African Americans
on the news.

204
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,279
Seeing African Americans
on the news

205
00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,196
not hearing them.

206
00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,157
That's why, all
African American news people

207
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,993
learn to talk more...
how should I say...

208
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,079
white.

209
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,015
Token, all the great
African American news people

210
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,839
have learned to hide their
'ebonic tribespeak'

211
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,918
with a more pure
caucasian dialect.

212
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,378
There is no
shame in it

213
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,464
and I really think
it will help our ratings.

214
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,260
This is South Park Elementary
closed circuit television.

215
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636
And now...

216
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:55,309
Eyewitness
Sexy Action School News!

217
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,311
Is South Park Elementary
about to explode

218
00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:58,562
from a methane gas leak?

219
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,314
More on that later,
but first,

220
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:02,039
Stan Marsh has a look
at some new outfits

221
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,192
for the Raisins girls!

222
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,321
Eric, the outfits are
even skimpier than before

223
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,840
leaving very little
to the imagination.

224
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,344
No doubt that if
I were a little older

225
00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,117
I would be aroused.

226
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,387
And now for
a look at the weather.

227
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:15,579
Here is Token Black.

228
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:16,973
And Token, I hope
there are no tornadoes

229
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,207
headed our way.

230
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,792
No, tornadoes, Eric
but interestingly enough

231
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,419
there is a
low pressure storm

232
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,087
moving in over
the Park County valley

233
00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,090
should bring us
some chilly days ahead.

234
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,885
The Park County
school board

235
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,220
has approved
a bigger budget

236
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,385
for the computer lab in...

237
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,805
Ooh hang on, Jimmy!

238
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,991
Looks like
Kyle has the dish

239
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,451
on some students
bathroom habits! Kyle.

240
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,601
Eric, sources
are speculating

241
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,311
that third grade student
Pete Bellman

242
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,979
pees sitting down
like a girl.

243
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,314
We've also
got confirmation

244
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,500
that Sally Turner
stuffs her bra

245
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,817
and Clyde Donovan
has only one testicle.

246
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,612
Ha-ha-ha-haa
one testicle!

247
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:51,490
What an asshole!

248
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,828
Oh-oh, looks like it's
Panda Bear Madness Minute!

249
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041
Oh yeah,
Panda Bear Madness!

250
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,227
And now...
let's get a look at.

251
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,336
Celebrity Dish gossip
with Butters!

252
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:09,383
This isn't the news,
this is a t-t-t-travesty.

253
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,596
Alright, so after
my report on

254
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,140
the unsanitary conditions
of the school cafeteria

255
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,743
we'll go to Kyle for
the story on Brian Teebs

256
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,435
trying to make out
with Susan Farkle.

257
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,270
Then let's do
Token's report

258
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,539
on how global warming
is going to kill

259
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,623
everyone in
the fifth grade.

260
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,899
That is a
terrific idea, Stan.

261
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,317
A-OK!

262
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,112
Fellas, fellas, I've
got fantastic news.

263
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,030
The vice president,
Dick Cheney,

264
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,282
was in
Denver yesterday,

265
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,867
and I got an interview
with him for our news show!

266
00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,663
Umm, an interview
with the vice president...

267
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,623
Frankly, Jimmy I don't
know how we're going to

268
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,184
fit that in between
cheerleader pie eating

269
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751
and Who's Got
Skid Marks Monday.

270
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,461
But this is
real news.

271
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,963
It's boring news, Jimmy.

272
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,965
How do you know,
you haven't seen it yet!

273
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,383
Alright,
tell me about it.

274
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,628
In the interview,
Mr. Cheney tells me all about how...

275
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:59,474
Oh... oh God,
I just got so sleepy.

276
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,310
I'm sorry, what were
you talking about?

277
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,478
Look, f-f-fellas
I've got a real problem

278
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,439
with the direction
our news show is going.

279
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,940
We're dumbing down
the school.

280
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,547
No, Jimmy, the school
is already dumb

281
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,484
we're just giving them
what they want.

282
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,570
We're making the news
more appealing to students.

283
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,322
This isn't the news!

284
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,490
This is a b-b-bastardized
quest for ratings.

285
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,826
Dammit, we have a
journalistic responsibility

286
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,495
to bring students
the f-facts.

287
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,122
Don't you see
what we've done?

288
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,875
In our effort to compete with
Craig's small-minded show

289
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,752
we've make a mockery
of news reporting.

290
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,605
I remember when we all
made an oath to each other

291
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,631
way back when we started
playing news reporters

292
00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,216
that we would never let anything
jeopardize our integrity.

293
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,510
Well our integrity
is jeopardized...

294
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,138
And if we can't
report news the honest way...

295
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,641
What good is
news reporting?

296
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,441
Boys, first of all
I want to tell you

297
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:53,570
how impressed I am with your
ability to get more ratings.

298
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,448
Your show beat "Close-up Animals
With a Wide Angle Lens"

299
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,533
by three viewers!

300
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:02,329
- Alright!!
- Wohoo!

301
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,955
I knew we
could do it!

302
00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,121
We beat
"Close-up Animals"!

303
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:05,957
Oh man, it's
so great!

304
00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,793
We-we worked so hard
to be on the top-

305
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:09,252
oh come here, you!

306
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,254
Yes, but unfortunately

307
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,964
you got crushed
in the ratings

308
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,883
by Craig's new show.

309
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,428
Craig's new show?

310
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,971
All the students
love it.

311
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,307
It's an
incredible idea called.

312
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851
"Close-up Animals
With a Wide Angle Lens.

313
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,603
Wearing Hats".

314
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,355
Take a look.

315
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,910
That Craig is a
freakin' genius, I tell you.

316
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,788
He's like...
an idea machine.

317
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:48,458
Does this mean we're
still gonna get canceled?

318
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,836
I'm afraid its worse
than that boys.

319
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,963
I'm going to have to
give you all "F"s

320
00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,798
in extra curricular A/V class.

321
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,760
You have to learn now
how important ratings are.

322
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,138
But... we
gave it our best.

323
00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:06,226
Yes, and I guess your best
wasn't good enough.

324
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979
I don't believe it.

325
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,331
I can't lose this extra
curricular credit!

326
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,732
I need it to
pass fourth grade.

327
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,775
Stupid news hair.

328
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,196
F-fellas, don't you see,
this proves my point.

329
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,491
We have to elevate
our ideas up, not down.

330
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,618
Yeah, Jimmys right. I know we
can come up with

331
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,911
way better ideas
than Craig.

332
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,289
Yeah. To save our show,
all we need to do...

333
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,915
is come up with
the best idea

334
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,959
for an episode ever.

335
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,219
What if we do
a show where we...

336
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,846
Ah... no...

337
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:47,017
How about we
have us, um... hmmm...

338
00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,978
Come on doesn't anybody
have any show ideas?

339
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,188
How about we
get panda bears

340
00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,023
and have them dance
around with us!

341
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,484
We did that.

342
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,571
Wow, coming up
with ideas is hard.

343
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,616
Look, you guys, if Craig
can do it, we can do it.

344
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,740
Come on!

345
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:12,083
How about we do
a show with us... uh...

346
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:15,504
The uh... what if...

347
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,089
Wait, I've got it...
crab people.

348
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,341
Crab people?

349
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,651
They're like
half crab, half people

350
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,552
and they live
below the ground.

351
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:25,096
Dude, I think we can
do a little better

352
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,681
than crab people.

353
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,600
I know, we should
read the funnies!

354
00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,186
I always get good ideas
from the funnies!

355
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,398
Butters, only gay little
dweebs read the funnies.

356
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,440
Yeah, I read 'em
all the time!

357
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,858
Here's one!

358
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,819
The... snail
tripped over a hurdle

359
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,403
and the other
snail says,

360
00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,697
"well, that's gonna add
another hour to his time!"

361
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,617
You guys?

362
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,037
How about we do a show
where we kill Butters?

363
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,711
So Dagwood says,

364
00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,341
"good... goo..good thing we're playing
the back nine at your house".

365
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,512
We're hopelessly stuck,
completely out of ideas.

366
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,804
We have
crab people.

367
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,847
Just sayin'...

368
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,266
Wait... you know
what we should do?

369
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,685
We should all take
a bunch of cough medicine.

370
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:12,686
Cough medicine?

371
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,687
That's what
the sixth graders do

372
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,831
behind the school
at recess.

373
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,356
They take way
too much cough medicine

374
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,561
cuz they say it makes them
see things in their heads.

375
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:25,407
Gee wiz, there
sure is a lot of em...

376
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,492
How do we know
which one to use?

377
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:30,680
How about this
one Colminex.

378
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,831
"Warning, taking more
than recommended amount

379
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583
can cause severe
side effects."

380
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,750
That sounds perfect!

381
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,335
B-bingo.

382
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,713
Can I help
you boys?

383
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,424
Yeah, we need to come up
with some ideas and inspiration

384
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,110
so we were gonna drink
a bunch of cough medicine.

385
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:44,885
Whoa, boys!

386
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,512
That's not what you need
to come up with ideas!

387
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,722
It's not?

388
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,683
No, what you want
is the Colminex PM.

389
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,727
It has the
dextrimatphan in it

390
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,492
that causes hallucinations
in large doses.

391
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,688
Oh okay.

392
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,939
Now, if it's
more of a lucid,

393
00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,417
speedy kind of high
you're looking for,

394
00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:01,526
I do also carry the
Daytap Cold and Flu.

395
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,278
Then there's the
maximum strength.

396
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,738
Codatussin Cough 'n Cold.

397
00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,866
But of course, that's only if
you really want to trip balls.

398
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493
What do you
think, fellas?

399
00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,971
I guess we'll just
take all of them.

400
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,787
That's the spirit...

401
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,993
Alright boys, I'll just need
your parents permission.

402
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,919
Kidding, I'm just
pullin' your legs.

403
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,253
Come on over
to the register!

404
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,006
Oh, looks like
somebody else

405
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,716
is doing a little
partying tonight!

406
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,509
Oh, Jesus Christ!

407
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,010
We aren't
having a party.

408
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,095
Oh yeah sure!

409
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,073
You're just buying that
for your bad coughs, right?

410
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,851
Us too!

411
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:36,977
Ooh, Jesus!

412
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,237
Alright, now everybody
take a tablet and a pencil

413
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,423
and when all the ideas
start coming

414
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,740
just write 'em down.

415
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,545
We might not remember
everything otherwise.

416
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,495
Oh boy, I can't wait
to be creative and smart!

417
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,332
Ooh, it's all
thick and gooey...

418
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,336
Huh... I don't
have any ideas yet.

419
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,965
Stan?

420
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,385
Dude, Stan,
you alright?

421
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,679
I think maybe
he's feelin' it.

422
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,764
Stan, are you
getting good ideas?

423
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:17,811
Woah... I'm feelin kinda
bowling ballish, fellas.

424
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:28,947
Woof-woof!

425
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,740
Woof-woof!

426
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,409
Stan... Stan come on.

427
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,494
We're gonna
go find a frog.

428
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,625
We're sorry...

429
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,760
Oh dude, I just had
the best idea!

430
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:51,885
Me too!

431
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,564
Hey, let's run naked
through the street!

432
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,866
Dude, this TV show
is awesome...

433
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,411
It's... the greatest
show of all time...

434
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,204
I could watch
this for days...

435
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,008
Cute...

436
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,510
Super cute...

437
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:44,230
You guys...
you guys wake up!

438
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,356
Ergh... agh!

439
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,817
Butters get away
from me!

440
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,444
Oh Jesus, where
are my clothes?

441
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,588
We took a bunch
of cough medicine

442
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,322
to come up with
ideas for our show.

443
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,823
I didn't come up
with anything!

444
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,867
I did, I wrote
something down...

445
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,245
Here it is... uh...
squiggly line, circle.

446
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,538
I wrote down...

447
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,124
All the lyrics to
the "Happy Days" theme song.

448
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,061
You guys... we watched
Craig's show all night long.

449
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,045
Yeah, it was great.

450
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,338
But don't you see?

451
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,964
We didn't think
it was great before!

452
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,591
I think
I understand now.

453
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,719
I think I know why Craig's show
gets such great ratings!

454
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,472
Half the school
is high on cough medicine!

455
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,265
Jesus, you
may be right.

456
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,934
Fellas, this
is our chance!

457
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,536
Everyone get your hair looking
as fantastic as possible!

458
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,895
It's time for us to do

459
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,372
the most incredible
investigative news report

460
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,190
of our journalistic lives!

461
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,025
This is
closed circuit television

462
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,194
for South Park
Elementary School.

463
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,780
And now...
A Sexy Action News team.

464
00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,240
Special Report!

465
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:39,160
Cough medicine
abuse in school.

466
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,704
With the Sexy Action
School News team.

467
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,249
It's the report
you can't afford to miss.

468
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,795
And now here is
Rick Cartman.

469
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,730
They call it cough syrup,
cough medicine,

470
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,424
cold and flu remedy.

471
00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,430
But behind closed doors
at South Park Elementary

472
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,468
it also has
a street name:

473
00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:59,848
Coogie, wombat juice,
tigger yum yum.

474
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,683
Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.

475
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,202
Today the Sexy Action School
news team

476
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,019
takes you inside
the dark and lonely world

477
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,230
of cough medicine abuse.

478
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,635
They're doing it
in the hallways.

479
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,234
Behind the school.

480
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,319
Hey, get outta here
you fucking dork.

481
00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,988
Even, in the
girl's bathroom.

482
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:19,159
Is somebody in there?
I'll tell on you!

483
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:21,095
We showed the shocking footage
to the principal...

484
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,579
Oh my goodness...

485
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,289
Principal Victoria,
can you explain

486
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,208
how your administration
failed to see this p-pr-

487
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,333
problem?

488
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,836
Well, I... we...

489
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,981
So where are students getting
all this cough medicine?

490
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,005
This surveillance footage

491
00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,215
shows a group of
troubled kids

492
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,401
getting all
the smack they want

493
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,634
from a pharmacist!

494
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,012
Sexy Action School News
reported the pharmacist

495
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,013
to the South Park police

496
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,556
and he was
immediately arrested.

497
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,308
The cough medicine
companies claim

498
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,660
they don't intend
for their product

499
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,644
to be used by kids
to get high.

500
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,063
But one look at
the packaging tells otherwise-

501
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:52,025
"Theradryl DM for kids."

502
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,819
"Dexacough
Children's Formula".

503
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,571
And now for a quick
celebrity check

504
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,906
here's Butters Stotch.

505
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,365
Still no
celebrities, Eric.

506
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,826
I'll keep
my eyes open.

507
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,512
The cough medicine problem
used to also run rampant

508
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,538
in neighboring
Middle Park Elementary.

509
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,915
But they took action.

510
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,142
Ridded their entire town
of cough medicine.

511
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,127
And what we see now,
is a happier school

512
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,213
one hundred percent
cough medicine free.

513
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,554
Boys, I want to
congratulate you

514
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,390
on what is perhaps the finest
piece of student television

515
00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,351
I have ever seen.

516
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,727
Not only did you get

517
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,355
all the students and
myself off of cough medicine

518
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,565
but you got a twenty two
in the ratings!

519
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,234
Twenty two people?

520
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,693
Alright!

521
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,362
You wanted to
see me, Mr. Maryl?

522
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:38,988
Oh, yes, Craig.

523
00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,949
It appears that
the ratings for your show

524
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,659
are down
significantly.

525
00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,035
Gee, what a
coincidence.

526
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,246
I wonder w-w-why.

527
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,790
You need to know how
important ratings are, Craig.

528
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,792
So I'm going to
suspend you from school

529
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,878
and request that you have your
testicles removed surgically.

530
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,089
Ha ha, in your
face Craig!

531
00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,925
You boys are approved
for twenty seven new shows!

532
00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:01,469
I want you to come up
with an even better idea

533
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,754
than the
cough medicine story.

534
00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:03,845
Get to it!

535
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:12,188
Nobody... has any ideas?

536
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,148
This sucks.

537
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,334
I don't wanna keep having to
come up with ideas

538
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,443
for shows all the time,
it hurts my head.

539
00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,156
Dude... bail?

540
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,909
I think bail.

541
00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,034
Bail.

542
00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,954
Yep, b-b-bail.